Blah.

I have a few new posts in the works and I just can’t seem to motivate myself to finish them. That’s the way I feel about most things these days… unmotivated and just… blah. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I’ve been in a funk for a while now and I can’t seem to shake it.

It’s frustrating because I have so much to be excited about – Ashlyn is at such a fun age. Her first Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up and we are going to see all of our family over the holidays. I’m excited to see everyone and excited for everyone to see Ashlyn. There are lots of wonderful things in my life that I should be happy about and grateful for but I still feel down.

My confidence is in the dumps. Physically, I’m feeling yucky and haggard looking. Ugh, I know that sounds so vain and I’m sorry that I even have to write about this but I'm being honest. I’ve never been one of those women that spend much time obsessing over my looks. Sure I try to look decent when I walk out the door but I’m actually pretty lazy when it comes to that area of my life. I really don't put as much effort into looking nice and grooming myself as I probably should.

It never really bothered me before but maybe it’s because now that I’m 30 things are starting to… change. It’s not so easy just to ignore certain features about myself anymore. As I age, I need to start putting more time into taking care of myself. But it's exhausting and facing the fact that I (and everyone else around me) am getting older is, frankly, terrifying.

I am very thankful that between breastfeeding and my genes (thanks mom and dad), I was able to lose all my baby weight. I feel happy about that but I think that naturally losing the weight might have worked against me a bit. Because I didn’t have to try very hard to lose weight, I didn’t feel pressured to exercise or eat well on a regular basis. But I still don't feel good and I'm definitely not fit. I have no muscle strength and I get winded doing activities that are physically demanding. I figured that I’d be back to my normal workout routine by now… but that hasn’t happened.

When the weather was nicer, I’d take Ashlyn and Rudy on walks but even that was inconsistent. Now that it’s colder outside, I don’t do anything. Even something like running, which used to make me so happy and was something I really enjoyed, makes me overwhelmed to think about. There’s no excuse – I own a treadmill in my basement. I'm having a serious struggle with motivation. I can't seem to get off my butt. And yet, I feel so blah about my body.

Worst of all, my acne is back in full force. I always forget how depressed having acne makes me until I go through it again. If you've never dealt with bad skin, you just can't understand how much it affects your confidence. It’s so incredibly embarrassing as a 30-year-old professional that I have acne that I have to cover with way more makeup than I’m comfortable wearing. I absolutely hate it and feel so unattractive. I don’t know if it’s hormones, stress or what, but I don’t want to show my face anywhere these days. I’m a 30-year-old with a 16-year-old’s skin. I thought those days of acne were far behind me. Guess not.

This blah feeling has been seeping into other areas of my life too – especially work and my relationships. I feel completely unmotivated at work and can’t seem to get it together. It's bad when my co-workers notice that I'm kind of a mess. I've always prided myself on being reliable and put-together in my professional life. That has always been important to me. But now, I just don't care. I feel like I ooze negativity and like I'm walking around with a black cloud over my head. People probably see me coming down the hall and turn the other way so they don't have to talk to me.

My funk has also caused tension with Brian. I have not been the best wife to him that I can be. I’m moody and take much of my unhappiness out on him, which is completely unfair. I’m forgetful. I’m argumentative. I’m critical. Short on patience. Overly sensitive. The full spectrum of emotions. Brian never knows which mood I'm going to be in that day and it sucks that he has to walk on eggshells around the one person who is supposed to love and support him everyday.

It all makes me sad and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to get back to the normal me. I especially worry that being so down in the dumps affects me as a mother. Ashlyn makes me so incredibly happy and I want to give the best of myself to her. I’d say maybe I’m just tired and rundown but Ashlyn is sleeping better now than she ever has and I’m getting more sleep these days than I have in the past 10 months. So that shouldn’t be it, right? I don't know. I can't use this tired, new mom excuse for the rest of my life.

I hate that I feel this way because there are so many people out there that are going through MUCH bigger struggles and dealing with WAY bigger challenges than I am. I hate being a complainer. So why is it so hard to pull myself out of this funk? Maybe these feelings are normal after having a baby? I don’t believe that this is some sort of late-occurring postpartum depression (although postpartum depression can occur anytime in the first year after you deliver). I’ve been watching myself though and checking into symptoms just in case. I understand how common postpartum depression is and I take it very seriously. I just don't think this is what I'm experiencing.

Anyway, sorry to be such a Debbie-downer but I wanted to give a reason why maybe I’m not the best “me” all the time. This is why I struggle to write a good post. Because everything I write is just... blah. I try really hard to overcome these feeling every day and smile and laugh to get through it all. Some days it works; some days not. Anyway, blah blah blah... even I'm sick of myself. I'm going to try to move past this and focus on what's important. I have so much to be happy about. I just need to clear through this fog to be able to see and appreciate it all.